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Archive for the tag “Islam and toxic masculinity”

Be Modest, Not Timid, Red Pillish or Socially Anxious

WHEN IT COMES to gender interactions, Islam insists on decent and appropriate behaviour and dignified conduct between the sexes. In other words, gender relations must be built upon the virtues of modesty (haya’), dignity (waqar) and respectability (haybah).

In fact, it’s probably not an exaggeration to say that men simply can’t be men, or rijal, in Islam, without modesty. Rajuliyyah – ‘manliness’ or ‘masculinity’ in Islam is predicated on it (one just needs to look at the life of the Prophet , and also the best ever of non-prophet men, sayyiduna Abu Bakr). In that sense, the only pill Muslim men need to take is the green pill of Islam. Any other pill, red or otherwise, is likely to be a sign of mental confusion, bigging-up the ego, or some other dark and unhealthy pathology. It will also be a perversion of the prophetic norms of how men ought to be rijal. Masculinity in Islam comes from a place of taqwa, dignity and modesty; not ego, anger or insecurity. Likewise, women cannot be said to have the type of femininity Islam celebrates without rooting in themselves the beauty of haya’. 

Islam very much sees itself as the religion about haya’ – modesty, shyness and a sense of reserve. The Prophet said: “Every religion has a distinctive quality, and the distinctive quality of Islam is haya’.1

We are reminded in the next hadith that: ‘Modesty is a branch of faith.’2

There are also these words from the Prophet : ‘Never is haya’ present in a matter except that it beautifies it.’3

To be clear, although haya’ translates itself into words like modesty, shyness and of being unassuming in the estimation of one’s abilities; in Islam, it does not translate into being sheepish, timid or socially anxious or insecure. Rather, haya’ is, as scholars say: ‘a quality which induces one to shun whatever is ugly or reprehensible (khuluqun yab‘athu ‘ala ijtinabi’l-qabih).’4

Ibn Rajab al-Hanbali said: ‘What restrains acting in a shameful or deplorable manner is [the quality of] haya’. Therefore, one who has no haya’ will abandon themselves to any indecent or loathsome behaviour.’5

It is why the Prophet said: ‘From the words still in currency from earlier prophets are: If you have no haya’, then do as you wish.’6

Ibn Rajab goes on to write that the sense of modesty and shame are of two kinds. The first is an innate character trait that one is naturally disposed towards. The second is a modesty that is acquired through the fear of God, and through the voice of religious conscience which the teachings of faith nurture. He explains:

‘Realise that haya’ is of two types: Firstly, that which is an innate character trait which is not acquired. This is one of the noblest of qualities that Allah bestows on someone and fashions him upon. For this reason, he  said: “Modesty produces nothing except good”7 for it restrains him from committing foul deeds or displaying depraved morals, and spurs him onto honourable and virtuous character … Secondly, that which is acquired via knowledge of Allah, knowledge of His greatness and nearness to His servants; His awareness and complete familiarity of them; and [His knowledge] of the deceptions of the eyes and what hearts conceal. This is one of the most exalted traits of faith (iman). In fact, it is one of the loftiest degrees of spiritual excellence (ihsan).’8

So in the interaction between the sexes, a sense of modesty, haya’, is key. If innate modest is in short supply, modesty born of faith must prevail. If fear of God will not make people think twice before acting indecently or immodestly, the question for a believer is: What will?

And while there does need to be more discussion and better guidance on how Muslim men ought to be, in a growing demasculinised world, the irony seems to be that the Muslim Red Pill posse comes from exactly the same toxic place as Muslim feminists: They both share gender-biased worldviews and they seek solutions to their grievances from outside the healing light of Islam’s revealed guidance.

1. Ibn Majah, no.4181. The hadith was graded sahih, due to its multiple paths of transmission. See: al-Albani, Silsilat al-Ahadith al-Sahihah (Beirut: al-Maktab al-Islami, 1985), no.940.

2. Al-Bukhari, no.9; Muslim, no.35.

3. Al-Bukhari, al-Adab al-Mufrad, no.601. It was graded sahih, al-Albani, Sahih al-Adab al-Mufrad (Saudi Arabia: Dar al-Siddiq, 1994), no.469.

4. Ibn Hajr al-‘Asqalani, Fath al-Bari (Egypt: Dar al-‘Alamiyyah, 2013), 1:80.

5. Jami‘ al-‘Ulum wa’l-Hikam (Beirut: Mu’assasah al-Risalah, 1998), 1:498

6. Al-Bukhari, no.3483.

7. Al-Bukhari, no.6117.

8. Jami‘ al-‘Ulum wa’l-Hikam, 1:501-2.

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